Mee Siam Mai Hum

Friday, October 01, 2010

I am not absorbing anything more for Economics - this means what I have to do is sit down and do the rote stuff. Writing out elaboration I had the confidence to do off the cuff at any earlier point in my life, cross-checking with photocopied books containing so much repeated information they could only have been acquired as last-ditch measures at securing a good grade. And all this in the certainty that almost everyone else is doing far more than this.

Today I got existentially depressed in the morning after reading Mitchell Heisman's 1905-page suicide 'note'. It's definitely going to spawn more imitative incidents, though how many people with that sort of intellect and focus is a different question altogether. I think the most mortifying takeaway from the opus is how much exactly I can empathize - so much of it makes so much intuitive sense I could imagine myself being him in an alternative context. Say, if I wholeheartedly embraced Western rationalism without any inclination towards spirituality whatsoever. Or if there were guns freely available in Singapore.

Then I had family time. Spotted a neighbour with his girlfriend (who's fat, according to sis). Played Chinese Chess against my dad (with the usual handicap - him a rook down), to a victory and a draw. Watched TV, ate pizza from Sarpinos (instead of the usual Pizza Hut), watched more TV while playing on ISC. Bingoed the obscure PINYONS and the nine TARNISHED, in addition to ANEURISM, which I wouldn't normally have spotted. Went through some math with sis.

The meaning of life is the courage to be. That there is greater ordained purpose really seems like a convenient fiction that suspends the ultimate teleological questions of existence. The source of our anxiety over death is our inability to control it. The transhumanist movement has value only for this purpose - to create a sphere of security within which we can dwell on these questions.

The preference of objectivity over subjectivity is itself a subjective one. The choice to embrace good over evil is itself subjective too. I need to come to terms with the fact that there are limits to objectivity. I need to stop translating everything into syllogism. I need to appreciate and construct meaning in things. I am absolutely free to be and there is no reason to fear this absolute freedom. If everything is a conscious choice, instead of a series of options, surely this must mean that I have mastered myself more. I will respect myself more if I can find peace with myself.

What if we are all disembodied souls in a higher dimension, so bored and so fed up with unending existence that we keep creating universes and minds within them, entities that have limits and constraints because meaning can be enhanced within structure, like poetic forms do. But then, what if there were no meaning to enhance to begin with. What if death only reverts us towards this higher dimension. And we, like addicts, create another persona and restart the process because we need these distractions to contain ourselves.

I think I am terrified of unending existence. It would drive me insane insane insane batshit insane, whether it is heaven or hell or just plain ordinary neutral nothing.

(later addition: this is an exact parallel for the role of art in our lives - they're the universes and minds that we create. like... a geometric series T1, T2, T3 - T1 creates T2 which fashions T3, and all of it is hollow - more to explore here for a later time. we make art to contain existence and create meaning for it.)

If I had taken the sciencey path, I might still have contemplated these questions from time to time - but would never have taken them anywhere near as seriously as I'm taking them now. Because I would be generally oblivious to the possibility of these questions being part of formal human inquiry. I might also have learned the value of keeping experimentation, hypothesis-formulation and cold rationality within the lab. Ironically I might have been more sensitive than I am right now as a student of the humanities.

I don't know where the line between curiosity and deep contemplation is, and hence I don't know where I crossed the line between wikipedia summaries and this stuff going through my head most waking moments.

There's a silent plea in this blogpost maybe someone can pick it up shit I sound really schizoid. Hugs, people.

2L @ 1:32 AM
"Sorry also must exprain"
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Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D