Mee Siam Mai Hum

Sunday, February 08, 2009

I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long long time, and screw halfly the fact this's a public domain.

I don't know what happened. There's no rewind. It erupted at the confluence of god knows how many different factors. The most major of which was never preventable by yours truly. I don't know what to make of it. Part of me just wants to whimper in a corner, but that would be really stupid because my tear glands aren't even active enough for that. Part of me just utters a silent scream for people to see things in more than black, white or even grey. Its my fault, but no one understands it. Or if people do understand, they withhold that.

Maybe that's why everyone wants me to blog. Maybe that's why I'm so resistant to blogging. What that is I have no idea, but no matter.

On a whim I went to Bugis tonight for a rip-off dinner of nasi lemak with tempura fish. And walked Bugis Street inside out, stoning at times to watch the world whizz by. I don't know, it seemed pretty surreal, especially 'cos I was in uniform, with a uniform top that wasn't even mine. It was dreamlike, the only conscious action I remember doing was pulling and loosening my bag-straps. Was sms-ing through the night, in a flurry of smses to half a dozen people trying to settle everything from training to precarious positions. Was mostly sedated, have almost no recollection.

But alone time was nice. Just walking and walking and pseudo-window-shopping because I'm not at all interested in fashion accessories. Not even lingerie, if that counts.

Its scary how alone I am in this world. Before I went for the Netherlands I had this extended chat with Zicong, circumambulating the concourse area and stuff, and we talked about practically everything, from 4i1's mugger culture to CSE to debates to everything. I don't know how many others I could do this with. Clearly not many though. People've their own preoccupations, and of late i guess i've just gone from second third fourth to fifth priority.

Some old pals I try to catch up with, I don't quite have enough to sustain anything that warrants anything beyond two-word replies. Some I want to, but mutual work considerations just destroy any of that possibility.

Just suffice to say I'm more confused than when I finally stopped using that phrase as a crutch.

And its been so, so long since I last stayed up for something other than work.

2L @ 12:34 AM
"Sorry also must exprain"
------------

Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D