Mee Siam Mai Hum

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Well I know I really should be catching up on my ACE now, but I want to blog.

I find that daily stuff's actually becoming quite banal, so this'll be quite short with zero mention of the day.

Sabbats are starting to suck. Literally. I'd much rather pass the day in class. Siann.

Apparently I have somewhat of an attitude problem. I mean we all know that... And I have come to a realisation.

I have been self-delusional. I act so bastardy and idiotic on MSN, the same in real life. Yet I manage to convince myself I'm actually being nice.

I realise I'm pathetic. Its like I actually blog daily. My academics are suffering, I no longer enjoy the inspiration I once enjoyed, I no longer have brainwaves, I no longer have the drive to start my homework, etc. etc.

Thank god its sabbaticals, but I'll have to rush Chinese ACE on Sunday. Before then, simply debate. I do hope we win. Correction, we WILL win.

I'm supposed to self mediate my comments, but PL, watch out. >< Is that mild enough Coach?

Anyway I'm on a really tight strain with my family. I'm getting... like increasingly irritated at everything they say. I try explaining, then after 5 minutes, they want a repeat, I repeat in a rather pissed tone and they get angry. Then they make snide remarks about never seeing me. I mean, well. Thats true to a certain extent. Anyway the world seems to hate me.

And since the world won't change, I will have to. Like become someone thats not me. Playacting life. Anyway this idealistic 'me' is probably still going to be hated or something. I've reached the edge, people.

I recognize that millions more people are probably more stressed than I am. I also recognize that billions are worse off. But well, that just leaves me confused.

I'm a perfectionist, I won't deny that. I'd read a book in the school library during the scrabble competition. It was about perfectionism (duh...).

Well the symptoms described me too well.

Normal homework aside (i dao it...)

I procrastinate ACE, for I'm afraid of failure.
Whatever I start out to do I try to perfect it. Or I don't submit it. (Which explains the 3 ACE projects sitting on my desktop waiting to be submitted)
Halfway through something, when I realise its not going to be perfect, I abandon it (IRS.)

I try to take up everything I can, but eventually am forced to drop stuff. I've already dropped third lang, which I vehemently hate.

Well I attribute this fricken perfectionism to my kindergarten. It was a dictatorial kind of school where the teacher had absolute say over what we had to do. Making mistakes in anything was punished without fail. It didn't matter whether it was the first time or what, we were still punished. Mealtimes we would chorus, thanking everyone.

Strangely the element of doubt didn't exist in that narrow spectre of mind then. I don't remember doubting what the teachers said. Under 3 excellent Chinese teachers, my chinese has been decent despite my surroundings.

So I was until P3. When I joined the GEP I was immediately taught to think, to question. Which explains the pain in the arse I am now. I was in the company of arrogant bastards, etc. etc. Which effectively makes me similar.

I wonder where I would be if I'd been brought up the Montessori way. I've always hated Chinese and Maths. Ironic, really. Is perfectionism actually bad? I note this post has been very random, because I've taken almost 3 hours to write this while stoning. The book said perfectionism was actually an illness.

I'm not suffering from it. May be self denial, but its very minimal even if I DO suffer from it. For one I accept that people pwn me in everything. I can't be perfect.

But its no use denying I want to be perfect. Its the only thing critique can tolerate.

Fat hope, Liki

2L @ 9:22 PM
"Sorry also must exprain"
------------

Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D